Thursday, April 01, 2010


Very aware that it's April Fool's Day today, but here goes...

Anyway, it turned out to be Basal Cell Carcinoma, which - despite the ominous-sounding name - rarely metastasises. "It's the nicest cancer you can have," laughed the oncologist. But it does tend sometimes to ulcerate, leaving raw pits in the skin, etc. So slice n dice, it is, then.

Turns out the guy in my practice who specialises in the dermatology stuff is part of an award-winning UK skin-oncology team. Yet he's based here in tiny little Yeovil! Who woulda thunk it? Plus, he's a lovely bloke!

So, it's an out-patients type jobby. "I had visions of you using some sort of potato-scraper on me," I tell him. The nurse laughs and says, "yes, that's exactly what it is!" She offers to shave off all my hair. "G'wan," she goads me, revving up the shaver. "Lemme at it." I've very tempted.

So he scrapes and scratches away until he's done, while (somewhat surreally) Eartha Kitt singulates on the CD-Player in the background: "Muuu-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-d-d ab-b-o-a-a-aoa-aoa-tuh the bo-y-y-y-yyah..."

(The doc takes some before-and-after photos for his records, so I ask him if I could have a copy. "I know it seems daft," I tell him, "but I'm an, uhh, 'artist' and, well..." But, bless him, he emails some hi-res jpegs over to me. I'm going to use them in something...)

Job done!

He then cauterised it with silver nitrate.

Ow. ow. ow. Owww.

No Captain's hats (or berets) for me this weekend! "Thank God," mutters wife when I tell her of scuppered hatware plan.

Silver nitrate: I'm like a living photograph now.


At 3:07 pm, Blogger Pete Um said...

Jeez dude, been doing the wince and squirm here reading and looking there! Fuck, it's all grist, eh? Um... take the thing I put in the post this morning as a token of my wishes for speedy and full recovery.

At 4:05 pm, Blogger I am not Kek-w said...

Aw, bless ya!

Yep, it's all grist. Still, you gotta laugh.

At 5:29 am, Blogger db said...

Wait, so you're a *cyborg* now? Are they gonna make you join the cyborg union?

At 7:31 pm, Blogger I am not Kek-w said...

Yeah: Metalfellahs Local 13.


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