Tuesday, March 31, 2009



Simon warned me that I was playing w/ fire by telling Eric Clapton to fuck off.

He seemed to imply that EC was a bit of a badass, that he'd shot the sheriff, but had left the deputy alive as a warning to others not to fuck with him...wh/ makes you wonder what state he left the deputy in. Kneecaps smashed? Broken jaw? "E.C. Was Here" carved on his chest w/ a Bowie knife. (Is that, like, a knife with a feather-cut...?)

I thought Si was just being paranoid. I ain't scared of The Clap.

Tho, perhaps, I ought to rephrase that.

Ol' Slothhand, we call him in Yeovil.

But this morning my desktop PC kept bluescreenin' on me. I thought it was dead, fo' sure. I had a sudden paranoid flash: Simon, was right - this is the work of The Clap. I shouldn't have fucked with The Clap.

I'd been hearing crazy internet rumours about the LaylaClapCunT Virus, a tidy-bearded .exe that downloads itself into yr operating-system and creates havoc. Apparently, it's the internet equivalent of a Price-Waterhouse audit - it slows your apps dn to a crawl as it asks for evidence that you have sufficiently documented all your projects. Have you carried out risk assessments, held wash-up meetings? Where are all your minutes and diary-notes? All the while, it uses your PC's own audio-chip to play a really slooooow 8bit chip-tune version of "Cocaine". Yep, shoulda listened to Simon: now I had The Clap.

It's every right-thinking person's worst nightmare. Sending an email or saving a file can take months, as layers and layers of red-tape pile up on top of each other. The minutes draaaag out into weeks as a smartly-dressed Porn Librarian who never gets her kit off asks if you've watched the fire-hazard video or if you're familiar with your own mission-statement. It's the most boring virus ever.

Still, as you can see, everything's okay again. I went onto the internet in the library and found a forum that specialised in such things. Apparently, I hadn't been listening to enough Doobie Brothers' albums. I soon remedied that and purged the dull-as-dishwater Clapton Virus from my computer quicker that you can say "Cream reunion gig at The Albert Hall".

Still, I'm a bit alarmed at reports of that new GingerBakersAirforcE Virus that's currently creating havoc in the States. Apparently, it plays a drum solo that goes on for weeks...