BULLIES BEWARE!

Hello, chums! Those pesky internet bullies have been up to no good again!

Apparently, they've just added Guru Josh to that spiteful Spotify playlist that they've set up in my name. Grrrrr: that really is a step too far. It'll be Paul Weller next...oh, drat! I mean, oooops...errrr, it's not Paul Weller that I really, really can't stand, but...uh, Paul Kantner. Yes, that's right: Paul Kantner - what a dick! I, er, really can't stand his music. No, I can't. It's really awful, especially those albums he made with Grace Slick after The Airplane split.

Anyway, those cowardly bullies are all about to get their cum'uppance...'cos my dad's found out - but I didn't tell on you, honest! I'm not a grass! He hacked my Dissensus account and found all those nasty messages from the other kids calling me a beardy ol' hippy tree-hugger - so he's paying for me to have judo lessons and he's just bought me a Whitesnake tour t-shirt too. Says I need to toughen up a bit, see?

As for slaggin' off Alison Goldfrapp...well, that's so-five-years-ago. So put that in your pipe and smoke it! I hated her before you did; and now that you johnny-cum-latelies all hate her too, I'm going to show you all whats-what by, er, declaring my undying love for her. "I love Goldfrapp!" See!

Ha! I'm crazy like that, me!

You'll regret this when Goldfrapp agrees to be my bride. I've just texted her, asking if she'll put on her false horse-hair bottom specially for me. Ha! I bet she will!

And then I'll marry her and become her producer and her manager and she'll record an album called "Goldfrapp Performs Songs in a Baltimore Club Style".

Just you wait and see!

Losers!