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Saturday, April 28, 2007

BOLDLY GONE

Fucking space-tourists...

Now, I don't know about you, but the image of atrophied astrophysicist Stephen Hawking floating in zero-gee on the Vomit Comet is not one I particularly care to have. Call me a disibilitophobe, but the guy is creepy enough looking without having the power to float as well...I think I'm probably worried that if he ever put his intellect to an evil use he could become like, I dunno, Davros or The Mekon...actually, that might be kinda cool.

Still, Hawking's rep as an intellectual big-shot doesn't hold much water w/ me...anyone can sit around in a chair dreaming up concepts all day (and let's face it, that's what they are: concepts backed up by an arcane algebraic argot that only 500 people in the world can read...it's a bit like the Welsh language). And I bet that Hawking can't draw as well as Jack Kirby could.

Still, he can't be too bright when he keeps coming out w/ synthesised serial-killer voice one-liners like "the human race has no future if it doesn't go into space." Well, bub, here's a newflash: the human race don't have much future either while companies like NASA, Space Florida, Zero-G and Virgin Galactic pander to uber-rich fucking space-tourists, burning up Gawd knows how much fuel over 90 minutes to execute a series of high-velocity parabolas in a custom Boeing 727 to simulate weightlessness for 30 seconds for a bunch of thrill-seeking buttwipes...go to Alton Towers, whydon'tcha.

While it was probably lovely for Hawking to (and I quote) "break free from the restrictions of his paralysed body", how many other disabled people (am I even allowed to use that term any more?) apart from Hawking will have the opportunity to experience something like this? How many can actually either afford or would be given a freebie to do this - Hawking was accompanied by 4 doctors and 2 nurses plus a whole bunch of telemetry equipment just to keep tabs on his health. The kill-joy in me says: carbon emmission notwithstanding, wouldn't that money have been better spent on medical research into preventing/curing motor neurone disfunction or other life-threatening diseases? If course, now he's had his joy-ride, Hawking can kick back and think about black holes and dream up some more groovy intergalactic concepts while attended to by his $100 an hour nurse and private assistant, a luxury most disabled or terminally ill people don't have. The sad truth is that Hawking's rep has basically been sold-off and used as an advertisement for a space-tourism company: look! If he can do it, so can you - you're never too old or infirm to be fleeced by us!

Oh, and before my in-box fills up with emails from moaning social workers from Hackney telling me what a rotten, insensitive bastard I am for baiting disabled (non-enabled?) people, can I point out that my dad had both his legs amputated (gangrene & complications from diabetes) and spent his last 20 years in a wheel-chair. My mum was also crippled with rhematoid arthritis for 25 years. (Funny, don't remember many white liberal social-workers actually being interested in looking after them...) Neither of them had $100 an hour nurses or free flights in a space-shuttle. The only flights of fantasy my dad had were cheap bottles of whisky from Tesco and Acker Bilk records.

Another space tourist dick, this time a dead one, is Star trek actor James Doohan aka "Scotty" whose ashes are being shot into space couresy of a Texas-based company who'll send yr remains into orbit on a rocket for a few quid. There's gold in them there final frontiers...

Someone else who consistently gets on my wick is fake hippy Richard Branson, a man who constantly bleats on about global warming and corporate responsibilty, yet seems to have absolutely no sense of irony about the fact that he runs a major airline and also a space tourism company Virgin Galactic (wonder if he paid Hawking to dream that one up?) You've got to hand it to Branson; he's a pragmatic businessman: he recently launched a prize for helping clean up the Earth's atmosphere, so that corporations like the one he runs won't need to clean up their act...they can carry on polluting and making money at their current levels while also seeming to care about the environment. If per chance someone does come up with some carbon-absorbing tech, then $25mil is peanuts to pay for the rights to something that could potentially make him billions. Branson is in a win-win situation. ("Just imagine an enormous vacuum-cleaner" - what a shithead) And if the world does go belly-up, people like him and his descendents'll be on the first shuttle out to a luxury orbital resort-platform. Bono in space, anyone. ("Ah, well, we did our best to try and save the world...")

Growing up in the Sixties, in the Space Age, I lived the dream of space-travel...I got up at 4 in the morning w/ the rest of the world and saw Neal Armstrong set foot on the moon... but now as an adult, I can see how the US government were actually just playing Cold War politics ("Let's get our army in space before theirs!") but spinning it back as an achievement for all of Mankind...nearly 40 years on and we've ended up in a situation where NASA's main mission now is to deliver military satellite systems, but for a few damn minutes it actually felt good, y'know...in the end, tho, they took our childhood dreams of a better future and soured it, while crapping on Planet earth at the same time. The truth is that Space travel in the future will just be the province of space-tourists and Mega-Corporations that want to mine the moon for helium or rare isotopes or something, after they've strip-mined this world of everything that can be sold back to us...the rest of us will have to be content, like Hawking, with sitting in our chairs and imagining.

Still, maybe not...I was cheered to recently hear plans for a possible anarchist satellite. Black flags in space? It could still happen.

Where do I sign up?

8 Comments:

At 2:56 pm, Blogger St. Anthony said...

I reckon he lost control of his bowels when he was floating around. Don't some scientists who know about this sort of thing reckon Hawking is full of shit (well, he aint now after that flight ...) and his equations don't add up? I hear he's a nasty fucker ... wonder what his sex life is like?
Don't get me started on Branson - didn't he cheat Faust out of some money? And I read once what a huge fan he was of Kevin Coyne ... didn't stop him kicking him off the label, though, did it?
Yes, the corruption of the dream of space ... I found (and still find it) very moving; pity the military-industrial complex had to get it's skeleton claws all over it.

 
At 3:16 pm, Blogger kek-w said...

Yeah, Hawking left his wife for one of his nurses, a younger woman, apparently...

The resolutely un-PC image of Hawking pooping himself in zero-gee and little turdlets orbiting his head (while he grunts through a vocoder and his nurses swat them away from him) has left me helpless w/ laughter, I'm afraid.

The thing about Branson that we can all take comfort from is the fact that the mighty Kevin Ayers once took Branson's ex-missus upstairs and shagged her while Branno was drunk or stoned. That's why Ayers never signed to Virgin after he left Island.

 
At 6:08 pm, Blogger the X said...

There's one thing I don't understand... If he's paralyzed and unable to feel his own body anyway, how exactly is he's going to "feel" being weightless?
He could've just watched somebody else do it on TV?

 
At 6:41 pm, Blogger johneffay said...

Hey kek, perhaps you wouldn't be so hard on Hawking if you heard him rap!

http://www.mchawking.com/multimedia.php?page_function=videoz

 
At 6:42 pm, Blogger kek-w said...

Good point!

As a sort of twisted tribute to Hawking and Scottie, me and the kids did a weird slow-motion moon-walk round the garden yesterday while we sang the original Star Trek theme tune out of tune.

It was a lot cheaper than being launched in to orbit, was carbon neutral and we didn't have to deal w/ our own poop floating past us...

 
At 6:43 pm, Blogger kek-w said...

Oh, hello, John - you weren't there a second ago!

Must go and check this rap out...

 
At 6:47 pm, Blogger kek-w said...

Hahaha...MC Hawking...that's great....

"Gettin' Paid and gettin' laid" - genius!

 
At 11:36 am, Blogger Martin said...

We can all laugh about 'spacks in space', but the truth is far more obscene. Hawking* never uttered the words accredited to him - they were faked by NASA agents (acting on behalf of the corporate slimeballs you mention), a vocal forgery easily committed on a simple 'speak and spell' machine. Hawking is a voiceless puppet, dangling haplessly in a sick conspiracy to turn space into the equivalent of Center Parcs.

(*incidentally, why is there a pic of him by the Word Verification box?)

 

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