Saturday, May 13, 2006


I suppose it was pretty inevitable that Dom Zero would eventually change the name of his blog to T J Locklear. Blogger superstardom beckons now: I reckon he'll be getting 10K hits a day by the end of the week, and end up being a major Locklear/TV Fluff portal. Only Dom could use a phrase like "the over rated Heather Thomas" w/out even a hint of irony. Truly, we are not worthy.

I'm just glad he didn't decide to call his blog Heather Hooker.


Well, I'm not the kind to kiss and tell,
But I've been seen with Farrah.
I'm never seen with anything less than a nine, so fine.

I've been on fire with Sally Field,
Gone fast with a girl named Bo,
But somehow they just don't end up as mine.

It's a death defyin' life I lead,
I take my chances.
I die for a livin' in the movies and TV.
But the hardest thing I ever do
Is watch my leadin' ladies
Kiss some other guy while I'm bandagin' my knee.

I might fall from a tall building,
I might roll a brand new car.
'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that made Redford such a star.

I never spend much time in school
But I taught ladies plenty.
It's true I hire my body out for pay, Hey Hey.

I've gotten burned over Cheryl Tiegs,
Blown up for Raquel Welch.
But when I end up in the hay it's only hay, Hey Hey.

I might jump an open drawbridge,
Or Tarzan from a vine.
'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that makes Eastwood look so fine.

There's an mp3 here.


Alright, this is getting completely out of control., I mean, Doppelganger psychoanalyses Action man.

Okay, time for an psycholoanalytical confession of my own: my parents bought me, not Action Man, but Tommy Gunn, his mid-sixties Brit rival:

At the time, I was completely mortified (tho' now I think it was really kinda cool. Tommy Gunn sells for waaaay more money than Action Man on eBay, because of scarcity... though, sadly, I never kept mine (nor the Action men that I bought later on w/ saved pocket money in an attempt to regain some playground cred))...but I now realise that Tommy Gunn had more points of articulation and better-manufactured/more-detailed guns, kit, etc. Unfortunately, Action Man was considered cooler at the time by my peers and in the mid/late sixties, the Action Man range of accessories kept expanding faster than Pedigree, the manufacturers of Tommy Gunn, could keep up with. I still remember when they brought out the first foreign Action Man uniforms; everyone at school completely freaked...

But owning a Tommy Gunn (and getting into the fact that it was different): maybe that helped reinforce my Outsider credentials more than reading Colin Wilson. Who knows.

Anyway, let's talk about Lee Majors.


After this, I went looking for an Action Man Bullet Man figure on eBay. There was one, but without his helmet (surely, the helmet's a major part of the alure, I would've thought)...but then I found that someone was selling Bullet Man's head.

I was very tempted to put in a bid for the head, but the seller's having a fucking laugh with the postage. Still, it's worth paging down the listing, because he's posted photos of the decapitated head from different angles. ("Look! Complete head! Undamaged!") Perhaps I should buy the head and paint the neck red to create some fake gore, then I could, as Betty suggested, create a "Cannibal Holocaust" themed scenario or vignette w/ The Intruder recast as a human flesh-devouring Filipino film-extra.

But, look, someone here's selling Bullet man's belt. Now that's just too creepy even for me.


For the ghoulshly curious amongst you, Riz Ortolani's hauntingly beautiful main theme from "Cannibal Holocaust" can be found here, along w/ assorted Giallo s/trax...

I want this one played at my funeral!