KID SHIRT

Friday, January 20, 2006

PC PCs AND OTHER STORIES

1) Our next-door neighbour has put up a framed print of a "Lord of the Rings" painting in his front living-room.

2) Seen, coming out of HMV, Yeovil, today: a woman pushing an expensive designer toddler's push-chair containing an extremely ugly Chihuahua. The dog had ribbons on it, and was wearing some sort of weird doggy clothing stuff that looked like it cost a lot more than anything our kids wear. It was a real John Waters' kinda moment...

3) Outside Ceres health Food Shop, I overheard a young woman who works as a gardener for South Somerset Partnership complaining to a patronising (but basically disinterested) copper that she'd been attacked by one of the crusties who hide out in the garden of the Methodist church that she was currently weeding out and replanting: "...he'd been sniffing horse saddle wax. He was high as a kite when he had a go at me...said he was gonna burn my fucking house down..."

The idiot policeman says: "Well, if he comes back, then just tell him to go away..."

(They don't want to arrest winos and drug-addicts around here who verbally or physically threaten individuals as there is too much paperwork involved, plus doctors, psychiatrists, social-workers, etc...there's the threat of possible physical harm to police-officers, not to mention the potential risk of HIV, Hepatitis, Tuberculosis, etc...the noise and disruption down at the police station...the cost and hassle of cleaning out a cell afterwards...the fact that they can't even recover fines from these folk as they have no money...it's just too fucking difficult...whereas, if a non-wino/drug-addict as much as raises his voice to a local copper, they're hauled in, there and then, no messing about...someone was recently jailed for spitting at a copper in Yeovil, but I bet he wasn't one of the local crusties, 'cause the police won't go near 'em, so they roam free attacking young female gardeners, pensioners, etc...)

Female gardener is quite rightly incredulous at the copper's glib response. Copper shrugs and wanders off. 10 minutes later, I'm cycling down past Horsey Lane (no, really), 150 yds from the police-station, opposite a childrens' nursery and the crusty jumps out from behind a telephone junction-box and lunges out into the road at me, completely deranged, screaming: "I'm gonna cut yuuuuuuir fucken bollocksss offfffff, yoooooo cunt!!!!!!!" Luckily, I was on a bike, so was able to take diversionary action and evade him, unlike a pensioner or a young child. I cycled off, with him trotting after me, screaming abuse...kinda funny, but it wouldn't've been if I'd been on foot.

POSTSCRIPT: A year or so back, a similar event occured in Princes Street, at virtually the same spot...a different hopped-up crusty jumped out at an old lady passing by and started screaming in her face and threatening to kill her...she managed to wobble off, extremely shaken, while he started throwing rocks and cans at passing motorists and pedestrians. Obviously, I saw all this as I was walking past, then noticed a copper further down the road, seemingly oblivious to the chaos, who was writing down the licence plates of cars parked on double-yellow lines. When I pointed out there was a crusty causing chaos in the road behind him, he glared at me and said, somewhat irritably: "What did you just say?" So I repeated my plea for him to intervene before some 75-year old with brittle bone syndrome ended up getting head-butted, and he said: "I'd rather you didn't use the term 'crusty' as it's derogatory and offensive..." I stood there in disbelief as the copper told me off in the street, while the, ahem, crusty (in a surreal moment worthy of Spike Milligan) was visibly leaping up and down in the road behind us (and completely audible to the copper), screaming "Twats!Twats! Fuckiiiiiiing twats! You Fuccccckkerrrrs!" as cars swerved to avoid him. The policeman said: "I'm busy right now. I'll have a look later when I've finished doing this" and he walked off, quickly, in the opposite direction and continued checking car registration numbers. For the rest of us, though, it's Zero Tolerance, as usual.

MOEBIC WORD-SHUNT (VIA ANTWERP, 1987)