Sunday, January 01, 2006


Dad is, like, really unwell, right now. So he can't come to the phone.

Not content w/ keeping us awake for nearly 2 weeks w/ some sort of old man's diesease of the lungs, barking like a mental seal all night, he now apparently has a (snigger) urine infection. Last night, New Years Eve, he was up A&E in his Doctor Octopus peejamas begging drugs off the duty doctor up there (some things never change, huh!) he's now on, like, a zillion different antibiotics all at once. He's getting better, I think, because he's started moaning about global warming again and David Cameron (who's he?) and keeps telling my little sister that "she's cute" (she's not).

Mum says that old ladies normally get what he has. They don't have willys, but neither does Dad. Apparently, all the protein in your wee-wee gets into your brain and makes you go like totally mental which like completely explains why he went like this funny colour yesterday which was like some greeny-white thing that I've never seen before and he kept falling over and saying my head was bigger than the rest of my body and mum kept laughing behind his back and making bunny ears. He is, like, soooo embarrassing. And his wee stinks really bad.

He went to the toilet, oooooh, about 27 times last night...everytime: drip-drip-drip...groans and grunts and seal coughing noises, then he'd walk into the bathroom door and swear and stuff. What a total lame-o. I wish I could take him back to the shop. Mum says she wouldn't get much money for him, tho'. She's not joking either.

My favourite record of last year was "Hung Up" by Madonna...

Like, NOT!

Hahaha! See! Had you going there, dummies. Madonna is like some really old creepy woman who likes horses and went Disco. She looks like this now:

Who has the worst legs in Pop: her or Beyonce Knowles? Discuss.

Is Beyonce Knowles black or white? I can't tell any more. They're all sooo old, these people, and are going to die soon. So who cares anyway.

MP3s are for old people friends Issie and Lucy Kirk and Jess, we're all into cassettes, 'cause, like, no one cares about them any more, so you can customise the tapes and they sound well dread. You can buy old cassette-players and customise them too, they're really cheap now, 'cause old people hate them.

Me and jess and Issie really like The Squirrels...they're like Crunk-Punk and they're from Boston and they do Crunky stuff, but with guitars and they're way cool...It's, like, who's that Old Guy...yeah, Usher...him, but with Rock Dudes and a drum-machine thing and loads of girls going "Oooo-wuppp! Oooo-Wuuup!". I think they're really brilliant...we made some cassettes of their songs on tapes we bought down the market...It's, like, 20p for 30 or something. Issie tapes lots of Crunk off the Internet: she likes Danny No and P-Nut Butta and The Bubba Boys...I like The Bubba Boys too, but they don't play guitars much, so they're not so cool, but the singer's lush. I'll post one of our tapes when Dad's not looking or he's out with one of his hippy friends.

Ciao, mi chicksters!

(Kek-W is currently unwell, but will be returning to this column later in the new year)