Sunday, November 20, 2005


The ghost of Dick Van Doike is exhumed, as a bunch of really bad accents roam the boggy woods of Oirland...

This starts promisingly enough w/ gratuitous nudity 45 seconds into the film...a woman is cut in half, while her boyfriend has all his limbs and his dick removed and is roasted on a homemade wooden spit. Ha! That'll teach 'em to have pre-marital sex in a Catholic country!

Unfortunately, things get a bit limp for the next 50 minutes or so and we're then subjected to the lame-ass antics of a bunch of bickering badly-acted American students on a field-trip to Oirland...a retarded, slightly cuh-cuh-creepy Oirish handyman is introduced who is obviously not the killer because, well, they never are...then some ham-fisted "Scream"-style meta-commentary is attempted by da stoodents while they eat popcorn and watch "Halloween IV" or something on the TV of their remote, isolated cottage: bad girls always die first, don't go out to the tool-shed by yrself or you'll die, don't stray from the path in the woods or you'll die, blahblahblah...

Things cheer up a bit in the final reel, though: the handyman has his intestines pulled out through his arse by an inbred descendent of The Sawney Bean Clan and is then strangled by his own guts. It's a pretty gross scene, for sure, but why someone thought it was a really great idea to overdub a bunch of farty-bum noises (which are obviously crew-members blowing raspberries) is completely beyond me, but I'm glad they did. Strangely, though...other, potentially less unpleasant scenes seem to have been badly (and obviously) cut by either the censors or the producers (not sure which). I'm also guessing that there was a heckuva lot more of porn-star Jenna Jameson in this movie which didn't make the final cut. Instead, it just seems as if they cast her but didn't know what to do w/, yeah, there do seem to be vast chunks missing from this film, so to speak. However, the scene where a cannibal-mutant tries to chow down on a breast-implant is a beaut.

And there is some stunningly-shot 2nd-unit footage of stagnant bogs and dark, poisoned woods that remind me of our garden.

There's also an incredibly mean-spirited scene that steps boldly across the taste-barrier and which involves a dead foetus still umbillically-attached to a kidnapped human brood-mare. "I promise I'll come back for you," says one of the drably-uninteresting female students to the hapless woman. "Don't bother," replies the dispirited woman, chained to a wall and still attached to her dead mutant child, "I'll probably be dead by then..."

Oh, for christsake, cheer up,'ve only been raped and impregnated by an retarded Oirish cannibal-beast...worse things happen at sea!

Still, sounds like director Christian Viel had a rough time of it too, as evidenced by his rant and some behind-the-scenes stuff here.

Sounds like he had a gorier, pornier film in mind which ended up being slashed itself. Thanks to Little Glyn for this, but wouldn't mind seeing a 'coherent' Director's Cut of this one day.