Friday, August 12, 2005


This is Andy

How to explain this? Okay…this is NOT one of the Kid’s toys. Andy is my familiar. He sleeps under my pillow at night and whispers sweet evil nothings into my waxy yellow right ear…

I bought him at a (*Gack*) Craft Fair a few years ago, back before we had kids, because his sinister, knowing leer struck a resonant bell somewhere within my twisted inner-mind. Hard to believe that he was probably knitted by some neurologically-challenged granny incarcerated in a bungalow somewhere near Nether Compton. (suh-suh-speaking of demonic grannies and knitting: I am soooo enjoying the new series of The Mighty Boosh…)

The Craft Fair was organised by a Sherborne-based twat who ran as Tory MP for Yeovil (and lost). So Andy is empowered by some seriously high-powered Boooshwoir Majik…through him, I can unconsciously tap into the collective Hive-mind of the Upper Middle-Classes, psiphon their arrogant aspirational energei and twist it to my own nouveau psychedelic ends. The entire power of the Daily Mail-reading masses is at my disposal, ready to be turned against them. No need for exhausting Khaos Magick rituals/incantations/etc or 2am naked Wiccan gatherings on Ham Hill, just having Andy under my pillow means my dreams are just one snore away from materialising in the, er, material world: magazine editors return my emails, rare acid-rock albums and Science-Fantasy novels from the Seventies fall into my lap without me even raising a finger…I switch on the TV and Patti Smith immediately sings a fantastically virulent version of "Horses" from a 1976 Old Grey Whistle Test session; I switch channels randomly and instantly find a documentary on 70's Porno-Chic featuring shag-actress Marilyn Chambers (as immortalised in Cronenberg's "Rabid") showing clips of her in action in "Insatiable" and "Behind The Green Door"...Magazines randomly fall open at my feet, telling me that Bananarama have reformed, crows-feet and all (but they still look great to this sad old knobhound)...I open a newspaper and the first thing I see says that Dennis Hopper has bought back the rights to "The Last Movie" and is releasing it soon on DVD. Thank God...that 20 year-old video taped from the TV is on its last legs and showing serious post-child-birth stretch-marks, so bring on the incomprehensibly fucked-up 4-and-a-half-hour Hopper-on-Coke Edit...

Life’s good.

Thanks, Andy.