KID SHIRT

Saturday, June 25, 2005

MORE SHAMELESS NAME-DROPPING

Just found out last night...

A little birdie who will have to remain nameless tells me that Chris Martin of bedwetting, failed chart-toppers Coldplay and his r/volting wife Gwyneth Paltrow were in Sherborne on thursday night for a private dinner with one of his old school-teachers, prior to his appearance at water-logged Worthy Farm. Martin is, of course, an ex-Public Schoolboy who boarded at one of Sherborne's loathsome Centres of Snoot Advancement.

(For those of you, who don't know: Sherborne is just across the Dorset border, a mere five miles from my subterranean volcano HQ in Yeovil, Somerset; easily w/in the targetting-capability of a short-range surface-to-twat missile; God, if only I'd known...the possiblities for mischief-making were nigh-on incalculable...)

The only gossip I can bring to this blog w/out getting sued is that Martin is "a lot nicer than you'd think..." and Paltrow is "very, very American." (Not entirely sure what that means.) Apparently, she declined to have a wander around Sherborne in the afternoon because she feared she might get mobbed (presumably, by barbour-and-tweed-wearing sixtysomething blue-rinses (Sherborne is the World Capital of Snoot, though God knows why; they're not that bloody rich...Yeovil Folk are considered to be shitty little educationally-subnormal proles by the good well-heeled Burghers of Daaaarsaaat; which, of course, we are...) ) ...yes, it appears that Gwinny is a tad bit paranoid about getting papped. Presumably, they stopped off at the Wiltshire hunting-bunker of her mates Madonna (call me 'Madge', I'm just a normal person like you...) and Guy "shit film-maker" Richie on the way down.

I hope no one's mobile-phone (sorry, cellular) went off and played "Crazy Frog" during dinner.

CONVOY!



Uh, Breaker One-Nine, this here's the Rubber Duck
You got a copy on me Pig-Pen? C'mon

Uh, yeah 10-4 Pig Pen, fer sure, fer sure
By golly it's clean clear to Flag-Town, C'mon

Uh, yeah, that's a big 10-4 Pig-Pen,
Yeah, we definitely got us the front door good buddy,
Mercy sakes alive, looks like we got us a convoy


Was the dark of the moon, on the sixth of June
In a Kenworth, pullin' logs
Cabover Pete with a reefer on
And a Jimmy haulin' hogs
We 'as headin' fer bear on I-One-Oh
'Bout a mile outta Shaky-Town
I sez Pig-Pen, this here's the Rubber Duck
An' I'm about to put the hammer on down

Cause we gotta little ol' convoy, rockin' through the night
Yeah we gotta little ol' convoy, ain't she a beautiful sight?
Come on an' join our convoy, ain't nothin' gonna git in our way
We're gonna roll this truckin' convoy, cross the USA
Convoy... Convoy...

Uh, breaker Pig-Pen, this here's The Duck
Uh, you wanna back off them hogs
10-4, 'bout five mile or so, 10-roger
Them hogs is gittin' in-tense up here


By the time we got into Tulsa-Town
We had eighty-five trucks in all
But they's a road block up on the clover leaf
An' them bears 'as wall to wall
Yeah them smokies 'as thick as bugs on a bumper
They even had a bear-in-the-air
I sez callin' all trucks, this here's The Duck
We about to go a huntin' bear

Cause we gotta great big convoy, rockin' through the night
Yeah we gotta great big convoy, ain't she a beautiful sight?
Come on an' join our convoy, ain't nothin' gonna git in our way
We're gonna roll this truckin' convoy, cross the USA
Convoy... Convoy...

Uh, you wanna give me a 10-9 on that Pig-Pen?
Uh, negatory Pig-Pen, yer still too close
Yeah, them hogs is startin' close up my sinuses
Mercy sakes, you better back off another ten


Well we rolled up interstate fourty-four
Like a rocket sled on rails
We tore up all a our swindle sheets
An' left 'em settin' on the scales
By the time we hit that Chi-Town
Them bears was a gittin' smart
They'd brought up some reinforcements
From the Illinois National Guard
There 'as armored cars, and tanks, and Jeeps
An' rigs of every size
Yeah them chicken coops 'as full a bears
An' choppers filled the skies
Well we shot the line, an' we went for broke
With a thousand screamin' trucks
And eleven long-haired friends of Jesus
In a chartreusse microbus

Hey Sod Buster, listen
You wanna put that microbus in behind the suicide jockey?
Yeah, he's haulin dynamite
He needs all the help he can git


Well we laid a strip fer the Jersey Shore
An' prepared to cross the line
I could see the bridge 'as lined with bears
But I didn't have a doggone dime
I sez Pig-Pen, this here's the Rubber Duck
We just ain't a gonna pay no toll
So we crashed the gate doin' ninety-eight
I sez, let them truckers roll, 10-4

Cause we gotta mighty convoy, rockin' through the night
Yeah we gotta mighty convoy, ain't she a beautiful sight?
Come on an' join our convoy, ain't nothin' gonna git in our way
We're gonna roll this truckin' convoy, cross the USA
Convoy... Convoy...

Uh, 10-4 Pig-Pen, what's yer 20?
Omaha?!
Well they oughta know what to do with them hogs out there fer sure
Well mercy sakes alive good buddy
We gonna back on outta here
So keep the bugs off yer glass
An' the bears off yer... tail
We gonna catch ya on the flip-flop
This here's the Rubber Duck on the side
We gone
Bye, Bye...

OOOPS!

Heh. Think I might have overdone the ol' Glastonbury rain-dance:



That slightly-deflated red plastic football made all the difference, I reckon.

Kid Shirt: Shamen-for-Hire (darned if that don't sound like a really cool title for a comic. I'd buy it...)

Hmm. Wonder if I can control any of the other elements? An avalanche of shit aimed at the forthcoming G8 conference might be kinda fun...