KID SHIRT

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

A PLAGUE OF MIDGE URES

Further evidence that The Blogosphere is heading for an apocalyptic melt-down of celestial proportions is provided by the fact that Rob Ellis-lookalike Midge Ure is also playing Ilfracombe:



Midge Ure: "Uncovered"...? Surely, Midge Ure: "Exhumed" would be more appropriate. Happily, this is not being promoted by the guy who put on Space Ritual.

And before all you Ure Era Ultravox! apologists start muttering...shut up and listen! I'm only going to say this once:

MIDGE. URE. IS. CRAP. (Get over it.)

As any fule kno, Ure's 'career' peaked w/ Slik; after "The Kid's a Punk", everything else was a series of What-ifs and Coulda-Beens; historical footnotes at best.

And screw Billy Currie too (tho' not literally, I hasten to add): my ideal late-period Ultravox line-up would be Warren Cann ("Wotcha, Warren!"). Yep, just Warren Cann.

Well, okay, maybe I'd relent and let Lol Tolhurst ("Wotcha, Lol!") join. So, there you have it: the classic, definitive Late Era Ultravox! line-up:

Warren Cann (drums and keyboards)
Lol Tolhurst (drums and keyboards)

But the essential point to note is that MIDGE. URE. IS. NOT. IN. THE. BAND.

Got that? Easy, isn't it? (Now go away and memorise it)

You can now dispose of any Ultravox! records that don't have John Foxx on them and, instead, go out and buy "Synthesisers in the Rain" by Denim, which easily out-Ures the Ure Era version of the band.

Further investigation revealed that Midge Ure's manifestation in Ilfracombe is just part of a mini-tour type thing similar to Hazel O'Connor's, which got me thinking...

A few googles (and visits to obscure regional newspaper websites around the globe) later, I was in possession of the following facts:

A pomegranate sliced open in southern Iraq last week contained pips that spelled (in Arabic) the words "Midge Ure Uncovered".

A shroud recently discovered in a tomb in Jerusalem was imprinted with an image that was a perfect copy of Midge Ure's face, body and accoustic guitar. Israelli scientists have carbon-dated the shroud and found it to be at least several weeks old.

A computer virus released onto the internet by Russian hackers last week emailed itself to over twenty million Microsoft Outlook users. It rewrote their registry settings so that they were left with a screen-saver image of Midge Ure's face that could not be removed from their PCs. "Who on Earth would do such a thing?" asked a visibly-shaken Microsoft spokesman. Who indeed?

A Simulacra has been discovered in Western Australia: a tree whose knots are twisted into the shape of Midge Ure's face (if you screw your eyes up when you look at it). "S'trewth, mate! It's £$%*ing Midge Ure..."

In Afghanistan, American military-advisers charged with destroying the country's heroin crop were startled to find that, when viewed from the air in a helicopter gun-ship, one of the poppy-fields resembled Midge Ure's face. "The poppies are in the field, but don't ask me what that means," said an Army spokesman later, when questioned by journalists.

In Milan, a picture of Midge Ure began to cry tears of milk. The Vatican refused to comment.

In Shropshire, there have been reports of Ure Circles appearing overnight in corn fields...in The Lake District, a case of Spontaneous Human Combustion occured while someone was listening to "Ghosts of Princes in Towers" by Rich Kids ...on Dartmoor, more sightings of a large black cat that looked quite a bit like Midge Ure...the evidence piles up...

Coincidence? I think not.

This all points towards some sort of Midge Ure infestation...a potential pestilence of biblical proportions. My theory is that these are mere portents...mystical warnings of the forthcoming Convergence of a Thousand Blogs. The End Days...The Ultimate Crisis...

My friends, we would be very foolish indeed not to heed these warnings.

6 Comments:

At 9:47 pm, Blogger Dominic Zero said...

Recently a piece of toast with the image of Midge Ure on it sold on Ebay for absolutely fuck all.

 
At 9:59 am, Blogger farmer glitch said...

sounds what you need is this :::

http://www.justnaturalstuff.co.uk/ishop/1013/shopscr472.html#google

a product created to eat Midge ... now that seriously ROCKS ...

 
At 7:17 pm, Blogger kek-w said...

Hahaha! "Fare thee well, good warrior, may thy Gods go with thee, for thou art truly The Midgemaster...!"

 
At 10:02 pm, Blogger Psychbloke said...

And Lo....it came to pass that on the first day a thousand blogs were split asunder....

Let it be written, let it be done.....

 
At 3:12 am, Blogger Helen said...

The thousand blogs were put into a thousand jars, and after 777 days and 777 nights, were born from the jars a thousand Midge Ures!

 
At 7:03 pm, Blogger kek-w said...

I'd be more than happy for any of the above comments to be chiselled onto my tombstone...though, obviously not all at once.

 

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