KID SHIRT

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

DESTINY'S CHILDREN

Re: K-Punk's assessment of the new Destiny's Child single: nah, sorry, Mark, but I just can't go there with you on that one...

The record's main failing is, for me, the fact that they are on it. Sure, the beats are fabulous, but DC ain't. Chris said from the safety of the sofa during TOTP: "It's too slick; too polished..." and she's right. Yeah, nothing wrong with slick pop polish, but she means that their delivery sounds just a bit too off-Broadway...it's competently choreographed and well-rehearsed, right enough, but lacking an inner-spark or an outer-dynamic: I can only see the dollar-signs dancing...

It comes across as a Post-Millennial Show Tune and if that's where they're heading then they need to seriously pump up the Vegas Glam Quotient, but they won't because their management are scared that they'll look too gay (the group, I mean, not the management) and lose their faux-urban, 30-sum'ting, jeep-driving bloke-plus-bird demographic. Their sub-'urbanized' West-Side Story reshoot is never allowed to fully drift into the realms of post-Grease camp, but neither is there ever any sense of danger or threat about the girls...and that's not a criticism, by the way; after all, this is Pop Music we're talking about, not The Slits...but I do expect my Pop Stars to at least be interesting on some level or other (though obviously I'd prefer permutations on sexy, dynamic, subversive, funny, charismatic, etc, etc...you know, all the really obvious, old-fashioned stuff...). And, considering the global level that DC supposedly operate on, it seems a bit of a bad show that they can seem to only muster a level of enthusiasm one or two notches above that of The Sugababes. If the record does have a swagger about it, then it's because of the beats and not because of the girls.

Yeah, and what about those beats, huh? Militarised jeep-beats; the perfect soundtrack for storming Fallujah. Music for aspirational Humvee-owning wannabes. And maybe that's part of my problem: I just can't watch Destiny's Child perform without thinking of Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell.

Still, it's probably for the best that we get all this reunion nonsense out of the way now, so that Beyonce can concentrate on turning into Whitney Houston, or whatever it is she intends to do with the rest of her life.