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Wednesday, November 10, 2004

IT'S WEDNESDAY AND I'M STILL 1/64th JEWISH

Still, it's good to hear that Madonna has a tight grip on world affairs: "Global terror is everywhere...down the street, round the block..."

Wow, I really had no idea that the word "global", like, means everywhere on this planet. Jumpin' Jiminy; is no where safe? What, "Down the street..."? So, if I like pop down the corner shop and buy a packet of fags and a Troma DVD then some towelhead with an RPG will try and injure me? Well, the sooner we get American nukes back on British soil, the safer I'll feel. "That's it: stack 'em up over there with all those nerve-agents, depleted-uranium shells and theoretically-illegal-under-international-law type bio-weps..." Phew! That's better. I feel loads safer now. All those big, heavy payload, earth-scorching thermo-nukes and incredibly complex missile-shields costing trillions sure do stop small cells of dedicated internationally-trained religious fanatics on a mission to take out our local Spar shop. Or maybe it's just some local kids hanging out with cans of Kestrel lager. Nah, don't be stupid: that kind of thinking'll get ya killed...

Madge, luv, do us all a fucking favour: stop pretending to be an expert on anything other than making money. And stop patronising us Brits about how "British" you are, wearing a flat-cap and sipping a pint with William fucking Orbit. If you're bored, then why don't you go and take out a High-Court injunction against some ramblers, or make an apologist advert for The Israeli Ministry of Zionism? Sorry, I meant Tourism?

What was it they used to say back in the Cold War about Communists and Russia: if you like it so much why don't you go and fucking live there?

PUSSYFOOT

God, what's happening to everyone?

Best wishes for a speedy recovery to our friend Steve 'Knievel' Dowsett, who broke three bones in his foot after he fell into his fire-place during a kitten-related accident. (Sorry, Steve, but I'm struggling to keep a straight face after reading that last sentence back...) The kitten is unhurt, but is currently staying with friends "until it gets its head together."

Our condolences also go out to Natalie who now has to put up with Steve being at home for the next few weeks. But apparently, they've encased his wounded limb in some really cool bright red plaster. Wow, you Style Icon...

Get well soon, fella.