KID SHIRT

Monday, August 16, 2004

BIKINI MUTANTS

I...I couldn't help myself: I descended once more deep, deep, down into the endless joy & perfection of that most unlikeliest of Buddhas: Alice Deejay.

Me: "Master, was I...was I needlessly cruel and spiteful and childish and hurtful in my comments about My Bloody Valentine...?"

Alice Deejay (needlessly perky & cheery): "Do you think you're better off alooooooone....?"

Me: "Well, maybe I was a bit out of order. I mean, a lot of people really rate MBV, but apart from the obligatory Wetherall remix I couldn't really get into them..."

Alice Deejay (chirpy): "Doooooo you think you're better off alone...?"

Me: "Huh? What are you saying? That Dualistic Thinking is a lazy and outmoded concept...that I should reject the simplistic notion of Good/Bad, Black/White... That's there's a third way...no, wait, there's a million...an infinite number of ways...I..."

Alice Deejay (grinning inanely as she does a funny little dance that involves wiggling her arms around like a cheerleader on ecstasy): "Do youuuuuuu think you're better off alone...?"

Me: "I...I don't understand...I'm not a bad person, am I ? Just because I think My Bloody Valentine are a bunch of overrated tosswank...sorry, sorry, that's one-dimensional thinking...I'm sorry...what I should have said was: I did actually admire their sheer stubbornness and bloodymindedness and the fact that their musical stance was so contrary to what was going on around them...their music hovered and vibrated...it rotated and spun slowly, whereas Acid House was like tiny arcs of jagged lightning zigzagging its way forward into the Phuture...it had thrust and momentum, dynamics, a sense of purpose. MBV seemed symptomatic of Rock Music from that era (or, rather, the Rock Music of that era that wasn't desperately trying to ape the mannerisms, the hyperkinetics of Acid): it was static, treading water, waiting for History to present it with some sort of road-map, a direction...it had run out of petrol, out of ideas...Rock Music was sort of just standing there waiting for Time to restart itself..."

Alice Deejay (smiling, still): "Do you Thiiiiinnnnk you're better off alone...?"

Me: "Or maybe they were just taking different drugs to the rest of us. The fact that they, basically, couldn't finish an LP and nearly bankrupted Creation...I always thought that Kevin Shields had his head up his own arse...but, in retrospect, well, maybe the whole situation just reeks of creative inertia. Maybe Shields realised that the game was up, that the Tide of History was against them...that Shoegazing, for lack of a better word, was just a cul-de-sac, a cultural red herring that would eventually lead them nowhere. So maybe I should feel sorry for them, rather than hate them. Sorry, hate's too strong a word...What do you think?"

Alice Deejay (prancing): "Do you think yoooou're better off a-looone...?"

Me: "Alright. I think what I really wanted to say was that even though I couldn't stand MBV I think Deb Googe is totally ace...a Yeovil girl, see? She was in the Bikini Mutants with Christine Cole and the late, great Dave Goldsworthy...she's a sweetie, Deb is, and I haven't got a bad word to say about her. The Bikini Mutants were the Slits before The Slits were even invented. When we used to get chucked out of the pub on a saturday lunchtime, Deb and Chris would go back to my folk's house with me and Dom and his brother, and my mum, bless her, would make us cups of tea and sandwiches and we'd talk crap and play records until the pubs opened again in the evening. And mum would look at Deb and Chris (with her spiked up peroxide hair) as they marched out and say: "Well, they seem like nice girls." Because, well, mums are like that..."

Alice Deejay (wrinkling her nose): "Dooooo you think you're bettttttter offfff alone...?"

Me: "Yeah, Deb's alright; she's cool. But I still don't like MBV and I never will and I wish they had bankrupted Cre...Sorry, sorry...I don't mean it, really I don't...I...I haven't seen Deb since Wilf's funeral, but it was really nice to see her...she's got very pale, watery, blue eyes that always look kinda sad and she's just one of many, many people who I never really got round to staying in contact with...but, anyway, she said she was in Snow Pony now with one of Stereolab and they'd just done an LP with John McEntire of Tortoise in Chicago, and the sound of it grabbed my interest and attention in a way that MBV never did...maybe this time she didn't have Rave to contend with; Time had finally started moving forward for Rock Music once more. Anyway, Dave G. turned up at that point and everyone started hugging each other and our conversation fizzled out..."

Alice Deejay (gurning): "Do you think you're better offffffffffffffffffffff alonnnnne?

Me: "Damn. I've got a lump in my throat. Whew...I...Ah, that's better. See, I'm not an evil person really, am I? Just a bit over-excitable...sometimes my enthusiastic disinterest in certain things gets the better of me. No, that isn't right...aw heck, you know what I mean..."

Alice Deejay (knowing smile): "Do you think you're better off alone?"

Me: "Tell me something, O Wise Master: why do you guru types always answer a question with a question?"

But Alice Deejay said nothing. She just kept on smiling and singing, long into the endless white brilliance of The Eternal Night...

HEY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD...

Jesus. Echobelly are still going.

In God's name, why?