KID SHIRT

Thursday, August 26, 2004

VAN THE MAN

Oh, weird. 10 minutes after my last post, Chris points this out to me (no, no, not the Proper Job car boot). Him...whatshisface...you know, Van von Thingy:


Incredible, isn't it? No fucker plays Yeovil for years, and then we get Van Morrison. Virtually anyone else and I'd go and see them. God must really hate Yeovil.

Yeah, needless to say, I can't bloody stand Van Morrison. "Astral Weeks?"...more like bloody "Arse-tral Cheeks" if you ask me. Sorry if this sounds Ageist, but my mother-in-Law is 65 years old and even she thinks Van is bloody boring: "He's just a miserable old git who stumbles round the stage looking like he doesn't want to be there..." Hmm. Well how do you think the audience feels, eh?

Still, my dentist likes him. Once, in the middle of doing a filling he suddenly pulled back from my gob and his eyes glazed over as he was tranported elsewhere by the magic of Van (magic van?). He stood there with this dazed expression on his face, with the drill still whirring in his hand and said (he's Scottish): "Aye, an' I saw him once. In Dublin, it was...Aye, an' it were bloody magic..." And I swear there was the glint of a tear in his eye. And then the moment passed and the drill descended to wreck more Celtic havoc on my tooth...

I saw Van Morrison live once in the Eighties. By accident.

Well, come on, I'd never watch him on purpose, would I? How stupid would that be? I 'spect you're probably wondering: how can you see a band by accident? Don't be daft...think about it, it's easy; I've done it loads of times: Status Quo, The Jam, Foreigner, Guru Josh, The Ian Gillian Band, Sad Cafe (twice!), Judy Tzuke, Melanie, Ten Pole Tudor, UB40...actually, UB40 is a blog in itself: I was there while they were playing, but I'm not sure it counts 'cause Dom and Brendan...fuck me, Brendan actually went down the front, and it was like something out of fucking Star Wars or the Vietnam War, but...No I really don't want to talk about UB40. Well, not tonight.

Anyway, Van Morrison: saw him live. Not particularly proud of the fact, but it was Pilton and where the fuck you gonna hide, eh? The festival was smaller in those days. You couldn't exactly get away from the old Pyramid Stage particularly easily, unless you were prepared to leave the site completely and walk to West Pennard just escape the sound of the PA and, needless to say, I wasn't. Suffice to say, it was pretty bad. Grown men wept...women and children were sobbing uncontrollably: why oh why, dear God, did he have to ruin such a beautiful, sunny afternoon? While he was on stage, Class A drugs suddenly wore off, iron-hard erections wilted, etc. It was grim, but as Nietzsche once said: "I'll be back, Spider-man! You can bet your webs on it..."

And so he is: and, this time, the bastard's got the nerve to show his face in my town. On my turf.


This time, I'm going to make an example of Van Morrison for once and for all.

5 Comments:

At 9:28 am, Blogger farmer glitch said...

I remember stumbling - all full of cheap cider and skunk - upon said pyramid stage with van-the-can churning out some sort of misery pap - now come to think of it - I think that was the year when through no fault of my own (blame the mushrooms) - I was convinced I lost my keys somewhere in the grass - and spent the entire gig crawling around in the dark on hands-and-kness - muttering to myself (anyone who knows me will appreciate this is far from normal behaviour - HONEST!!) ...

The reason I mention this is that - if I had my stability and mental agilality at normal levels - I may have possibly been forced to pull the 'beer-can-lobbed-at-sad-performers-head' stunt - previously witnessed at glasto to astonishing effect during 200-hour drum solo by mon-sewer-ginger-baker - (de-throned no less by an excellent shot) ... nothing against ginger - personally I love some of that old cream-stuff - but sometimes drastic times - require drastic measures !! so come on now - lets get down to the Johnson Hall (or whatever the dang place is called these days) - and lets get Van-bating ... any way - last time I was in that venue was to see MUD - in 1975 - what a gig - - WHAT A BAND .... !!! tiger feet - still makes me quiver to this very day !!

 
At 2:57 pm, Blogger GTTRBRKZ said...

yeah, Kick Van's ass! I always thought I must be stoopid cos I don't 'get' astral weeks. Glad to see some others feel the same way. I don't mind bits of Moondance, mind...

Mud...fuck me, yeah. Tops!

 
At 5:49 pm, Blogger Dominic Zero said...

Van The Man? Van The Van more like. I hate that fat fucker & all he waddles for.
How come other people could do good versions of his songs? - The Doors, Patti Smith etc..yet his were always wishy-washy crud. Maybe Rachel Stevens should give 'Gloria' a go.
As for UB40 - Almost had a fight with them once. I was WELL up for it. I would of 'ad 'em if Daffy hadn't held me back.

 
At 5:51 pm, Blogger Dominic Zero said...

PS - I won an Easter Egg at skool for impersonating Les Gray out of Mud. "...your hypnosis is too much.."

 
At 7:50 pm, Blogger kek-w said...

Well, letters of support are flooding in from all over the UK. So, come on, readers, let's put it to the vote: How do YOU think Van Morrison should be punished for his trangressions against music-lovers?

The most original suggestion will win a gen-u-ine No-Prize.

 

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